Light on Snow
by AlyceJL
Summary: The wallpaper by the top left side of the door was peeling. It seemed appropriate." Remus struggles to get past the loss of Sirius. - WIP, eventual RLNT.
1. 01

**A/N: **Working title, sorry it's a lame one!

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_Light on Snow_

1.

Outside it was snowing. The wind was blowing and from the window, Remus could see glimpses of ground, marring the white. He thought it typical – that even the purity of the snow would be so ruined by a smudge of dirt; that he would refuse to recognise the fun to be had outside with the children.

Winter had a new meaning for him. It could no longer be about fun outdoors, about snowballs and forts and a handful of ice down the back of your shirt when you least suspected it. It could only resemble how dead and empty his life was, now that he was alone. Sirius was gone, taken beyond the veil where Remus could not follow.

He turned away from the window, pacing to the fireside, before he could see that the snow covered completely the stain of the frozen ground. He had seen through the fogged glass that Tonks had joined the children and was, by her smile, enjoying the snowball fight with abandon. Remus grit his teeth. Her own cousin! Her flesh and blood, and she was outside throwing snowballs the first winter after he was gone.

He knew what everyone said about him, behind his back. That it wasn't healthy for him, all the moping about, and he should get out more and learn to have fun again. Molly brought him teas, and little boxes of mint chocolates. Albus gave his companionship, often sitting in comfortable silence. Alastor offered his gruff advice. Tonks and Kingsley tried to make him drink. Even Snape gave rough, if reluctant, words one month when he delivered Remus' potion. 'Pull yourself together, Lupin.' He had said with a sneer. Then, 'The Order needs you.'

That had left Remus staring at his door after Snape had left, in silent shock. The wallpaper by the top left side of the door was peeling. It seemed appropriate.

The door to the sitting room clicked closed. Remus blinked once, twice, trying to remove the dots of light in his sight, and he looked up from the fire. A very tousled and pink-nosed pair of young witches stood in the room, dripping snow and water over the faded carpet. "Are you alright, Professor?" Hermione asked. She looked like she was cautiously trying to calm a wild animal, ready to flee through the door if needs be. A now solemn Ginny stood by her.

"Please, girls, come and stand by the fire. You're dripping." Was all he said, and he moved away from the fire to stand near the window. He reached out a hand to the side table there and shut the book he had been trying to read. The two girls hesitated a moment, then moved to the fire side, swiftly discarding gloves and hats.

"It's lovely outside, Professor. You should come out with us later, after tea. If you can get past Fred and George; they've built a fort out there, by the back door." This last bit Ginny said with a giggle. Silently, Remus glanced out the window, his fingertips still resting on top of the book. "Oh," he said absently. "It's a bit windy for my tastes, I'm afraid."

A long and awkward silence followed. When Remus saw Hermione and Ginny look at each other uncomfortably, and Hermione's desperate kind of smile, he abruptly cleared his throat. "Well, you'll excuse me, girls. I have… things to do." A short pause, and then they all nodded to one another. Then Remus was leaving the room, striding as if he had a purpose, when really all he wanted was to flee. He forced himself to close the door in a dignified manner, and then he was heading up the stairs to his room.

"Not natural," he mumbled under his breath. Not natural, for animals to stare at one another like that. His hands shook slightly before he gripped them together, and he hurried quicker up the stairs, and firmly shut the door to his room behind him.

A heartbeat, two, three, passed, and then Remus let out his pent up breath and leaned back against the door, as if to keep the world out.

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**A/N:** I have a bit more on this fic, but I'm afraid I have written myself into a corner. Constructive crits are certainly more than welcome, because while I'm sure where I want to take this fic, I'm unsure how to get there. Thanks :) 


	2. 02

_Light on Snow_

2.

Later, standing at the window, Remus saw the Weasley twins abandon their 'fort' in the yard and head inside the house. The day was getting dark, and downstairs Molly would be in the kitchen making dinner. Abruptly, Remus decided he would take a walk through the yard. He put on his thick coat, hat and gloves, and then left his room.

On the lower level, he passed a surprised looking Moody. "Just going for a short stroll, Alastor." Remus said with feigned cheerfulness. The Auror didn't seem to have any kind of reply for him. Remus passed him by and left the house through the thick back door.

The wind had died down, but the air was bitingly cold, and Remus turned the collar up on his coat. He hadn't thought to wrap a scarf around his shoulders. He dug his hands into his pockets and started off away from the house.

He didn't exactly have a plan on where he was going to go. He wasn't even sure why he was out here. His feet seemed to know where to take him, though all he saw were the bare trees around him, a painful reminder that everything important in his life was dead. After a time, he felt sufficiently cold to remind him he was a git for coming out in the first place. Still his feet carried him to a place where he looked up in mild surprise.

A short rickety bench sat underneath an ancient, snow laden oak, and upon it sat the young Auror Tonks. The view of the bench from the house was shielded by a neglected greenhouse. Tonks looked up, and smiled. "Hello, Remus." She said, twirling her wand between two fingers.

"Good evening," Remus said after a moment. "What're you doing out here?" He asked, before she could ask the same of him.

"Oh, I come here to get some peace and quiet." She said, looking strangely reluctant for a moment, and then she said, "When I was younger, and my family and I were visiting, I would always come and sit here to get away from my cousins." She gave him a small smile. "Sirius always knew where to find me. He could be so annoying!" She laughed lightly. Remus felt his throat tighten up. "I… didn't know anyone else remembered it." Tonks offered.

Unwillingly, Remus' feet moved him forward, and he eased down onto the bench beside the young witch. "Sirius and I used to come here to get away from his family. He and James conjured all sorts of pranks here, where his parents couldn't see us." He said quietly, remembering. He gave a laugh. "I remember when we planned to turn your cat into a striped toad. What was his name, again?"

"Boots." She said shortly. "For the Muggle children's story."

They sat in silence after that, and Remus sensed it was rather the wrong thing to say to her, as evidently she harboured ill memories of that occasion. He looked over quickly as the witch made an odd kind of snorting sound. She had a small reluctant smile on her face. "When I tried to change him back, all I did was put fur on him!" She looked over at him, her eyes twinkling. Remus found himself smiling back. He gently leaned over and bumped his shoulder against hers. "I'm glad you can smile about it." He told her, sincerely. He was starting to feel silly, thinking about poor Boots.

"You, sir, do not smile nearly enough anymore." Tonks shot back, kindly, bumping her shoulder against his, slightly harder than he had. Remus' smiled dampened. "I suppose that's so." He granted her, and looked away.

"Sirius was… I… he's gone, Tonks." She didn't reply. He looked at her, slightly angry now. "Do you know what it's like to be left completely alone?"

"You're not alone," Tonks said quickly. "You've got the Order - and Harry. And me!" Yet even as she spoke, she saw how her words meant next to nothing to him. He looked away from her again. She tried again, wrapping an arm around him companionably. "I'll teach you how to smile again." She promised him.

Remus' traitorous heart lifted as she said it.

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**A/N:** I don't know. The ending isn't so good. The next 'chapter' is where I am stuck, unfortunately... I will try to strugge through it ;;

Cuddle t3h reviewers! You have no idea how nice it is to wake up in the morning and find new reviews :D Thank you all for your lovely compliments!


	3. 03

_Light on Snow_

3.

Ogden's Old Firewhisky was true to its name, but fortunately Remus' throat was, for the most part, immune to the burning sensation that settled in his stomach after every mouthful. He wasn't usually one to drink – he much preferred tea. But sometimes Molly's teas weren't enough to keep his deepest sorrows at bay, and as soon as the bustling woman saw an open bottle by Remus' elbow, her mouth would fold into a tight little line of disapproval, and she would leave him be.

Besides dulling his feelings, the drink was extremely effective at making people leave him alone. Except Tonks, who had demonstrated on occasion her faith in the whisky and its mood lifting abilities. She always delighted in discovering Remus with a bottle by his side, and would quickly conjure up her own glass to join him.

That's why Remus was drinking in the dim of his bedroom, as opposed to his usual spot in the corner of the library; tonight, he felt like company less than ever. His plan seemed to be succeeding, too, and he had worked his way through most of the bottle while listening to oldrecords on his gramophone. It was all spoilt, however, when Tonks burst into the room, interrupting him from tugging moodily at his lower lip and glaring at the patched toes of his shoes.

"Ah-hah! I thought I might find you brooding up here all alone, and it seems I – Merlin's balls, Remus!"

He stared at the young Auror dumbly. She had three eyes.

"Well!" Tonks said huffily, shutting the door and collapsing onto his desk chair. She glared at him. "I _was_ going to take you out for a drink on the town, but it seems you've accomplished that here by yourself!" She leaned across and snatched the nearly-empty bottle of Firewhisky away from the wizard.

"Hey, now!" His voice croaked out. He cleared his throat and tried again. "Hey, that's mine. Tonks, give it back!" He rather wished she would go away, and leave him alone.

"Right. So, you've had a bad night," Tonks said, rolling the bottle in her hands. "How about you talk to me, rather than burning your stomach away with this?" She conjured herself a glass and poured some whisky into it. The bottle was now empty, and she shook her head at it and set it aside.

Remus stared at her sullenly. "It's not fair."

"Well, my dear, I'm afraid in life you have to share from time to time. Now, you drank most of that bottle, I think it's only fair that I get one glass of my own."

"No!" He exploded. Tonks jumped, and sloshed whisky over herself and the carpet. Remus put his head in his hands. She didn't understand. His thoughts whirled around in his head. The contents of his stomach whirled, too.

"It's not fair that they're gone. It's not fair that I can't get a bloody job. It's not fair that I'm… so…. old!"

The young witch with the black hair stared, then silently put her glass aside and moved to sit by Remus' side. "Remus," she said quietly. "Do you remember what I told you the other day? I told you that you're not alone… that me and Harry and Dumbledore and Molly and everyone else are here for you."

"M'alone." The wizard murmured to his hands. The Auror reached out and gently began to peel his hands away from his face. When Remus resisted, a short scuffle ensued, ending with Tonks crossing his arms and pinning them against his chest.

"You are – look at me, Remus!" She snapped. He looked up at her reluctantly. "You are NOT alone. Do you understand me?" Remus glared at her, indignant and angry, lonely and feeling hopeless. Tonks continued to gaze at him, and he snorted with wry amusement. She wasn't going to go away, so why bother fighting? He allowed his body to go limp against the chair, and nodded. "Right. Good." The witch nodded to herself. "What do you say that you and I go for a stroll, eh?"

Remus shrugged childishly. He tugged his hands away from her's and she released with some surprise, because she had forgotten she had been holding them. She stood up, clearing her throat and smoothing her hands down the side of her robes. "Come on, then." She pulled out her wand and pointed it at him, muttering a sobering charm under her breath.

Remus blinked a few times, and then looked up at her calmly. "I drank too much, didn't I?" He asked her. She nodded mutely, going to his wardrobe to get some thick clothing for him. She tossed them over her shoulder at him. "Tonks," he told her, "I don't much feel like going anywhere."

"Well, it's jazz night at a little Muggle music club Kingsley and I sometimes go to. Kingsley's got guard duty tonight. I'd like some company, if you don't mind." She said cheerfully, coming over to him and draping a long scarf around his neck. She tugged on either end, smiling cheekily at him, and with a sigh and a groan the wizard came to his feet. He pulled his coat on, followed by his gloves. Tonks grinned and wrapped the scarf around his neck, tightening it somewhat. Remus laughed despite himself and pushed her hands away to loosen it, but Tonks just smiled again and brushed his hands out of the way to readjust it herself. "You're not a very good drunk, you know, Remus. Never have been." She said lightly, quirking an eyebrow at him.

Remus looked over to the empty bottle of Ogden's on his desk. The idea of a full bottle was very attractive, but the young witch before him didn't know how to give up. He sighed. "Where is this bar you want to go to?" He asked her, looking away again.

Tonks grinned, and led the way to the door.

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**A/N: **Ack., I'm a touch worried about this part... if anyone has any tips, they would be welcome :)  
This is as far as I've written so if I take my time with another update, I apologise.  
Thank you to the few people who have reviewed :) It means a lot to me!


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